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Before and Now
My experience in the local church became a turning point that drew a big line in my life. To make a story simple and clear, from this point onward, let’s call the life before the line was drawn ‘before’ and the life after, ‘now’.
My prayer was changed. Before, whenever I attended a meeting, after reciting the Lord’s prayer freely, the meeting finished. But frankly, I never prayed in God’s name or for His Kingdom or His will. All the time my prayer was only to ask for the safety of myself or my family or my loved ones. But now, I don’t recite the Lord’s prayer anymore. Whenever I pray, first I spontaneously pray for the kingdom of God and His will for a sufficient time, and then I pray for myself a little at the end of my prayer. That’s right. My prayer has changed this way.
Before, I never heard His speaking within after praying to the Lord. Whether or not He listened, it was good enough to say what I wanted to say. Then He opened my eyes. Now I don’t say that much but say a little bit, beholding His face (2 Corinthians 3:18; 4:6). After saying a word, I stop to behold Him and hear His speaking within. Now prayer is not just for me to speak to the Lord by myself; it is a conversation between the Lord and I. Speaking to Him and listening to Him speaking within me is real prayer to me.
Before, only in the case of an emergency did I pray. The only expectation was the prayer that I composed for a consecration meeting of the student council. But now, I pray almost all the time. I start and finish each day in prayer. During driving, washing dishes, cleaning the house, working, and even shopping at the department store I pray. I pray everywhere.
Before, even after beginning to be interested in the Lord Jesus, it was too hard for me to pray. If I tried to pray, I was very bored and sleepy; time went by very slowly and my mind wandered around. I closed my eyes, put my hands together and fell on my knees, but my mind went around the world. Thinking, “Did one hour pass?”, I opened my eyes and only five minutes had passed. Now prayer time passes so quickly as I have a sweet conversation with the Lord. Now prayer time is a most joyful time. It is the time that I whisper sweet nothings to the Lord.
Before I didn’t sing hymns that much. I could recite a pop song quickly and I sang often everywhere, but I thought that the hymns were miserable and sorrowful, so I would sing them when I become an old person. Now, with Him in my life all the time there is a hymn within me. Soon after coming into the local church, whenever I sang hymns I shed tears. Even now if I sing, I sense His power within and I am happy. I taste the comfort of the Lord and my heart becomes peaceful. Regardless of how many stanzas the hymns have, I can recite many, because those stanzas are my story and my testimony.
Before I offered begrudgingly. After offering, I felt that my giving was a great thing, and I wanted to be recognized for it. Now, offering is a part of my life, and does not feel like such a great thing. I don’t want recognition for it. Only God needs to know.
Before, if I read the Bible, soon I was sleepy. Reading after reading I didn’t know what it said. I didn’t understand why the same story was repeated four times in the four gospels, and why there was repetition in the five Mosaic books. I also did not know why the Bible which seemed to have nothing deep in it was a best seller or how the Bible becomes a life supply. It seemed to me that the Bible was too holy and pious for my understanding. Now, there is no other book as interesting as the Bible is. The reason that I don’t watch movies that much is not because they are worldly, but because they act too boring and dull. The plot of the Bible is elaborate. The Bible has excellent foreshadowing in Genesis and ends wonderfully in the book of Revelation! In the Bible every aspect of a human being is explained frankly. The Bible is the unique masterpiece discovered in human society. If I read the Bible, the light within is stronger than an x-ray penetrating me, my inner life that I didn’t realize is exposed, and feeling stung I am healed. Whenever I open the Bible, I sense the presence of the Lord within. Now I love the Bible, I want to give every moment of the rest of my life to the Bible. This is my hope. I would risk my whole life for the Bible.
Before, I hated people. I liked to be with three more than many, two more than three, and one more than two. Now, I see that human beings are dignified and precious. Because every human being has a wonderful faculty, the human spirit, which God formed in man. I have hope for everybody. However good one may be he isn’t much different than others; however bad one may be I believe that he has a conscience. Still, I haven’t reached the point of loving everybody, but many people have become lovely to me.
Before, I tried to be the first in everything. I thought I was better than other believers. I thought it was ok to despise foolish people. But now, especially in the local church, I realize that each one has something precious that no one else can imitate. I came to know that I am a small member of the Body of Christ. Before, I wanted to become the top in any church, but I didn’t show it. I kept my pride in myself a secret. But now, I appreciate the beauty of the many members of the Body around me and I feel happy.
Before, as people, groups, things became old to me, I became tired and disillusioned with them. Now, after thirty years in the local church I still feel glorious and I love it more and more. I can sense Christ within the believers. This continues to be beautiful to me.
Before, I could not find any pattern to become a model for my life. Even though a writer or a professor spoke well, his real life didn’t match his speaking, and I tasted a bigger disappointment because of this kind of double life. Now, I can see the life of many as patterns for my life. Day by day, I see believers who express God, even in the worst unbearable situation. This is my experience in the local church.
Crystal Kim
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